Each year, my friend Anna buys herself a present at Christmas that her late daughter might have chosen for her when she was still alive. She puts it under the tree with a tag that says: To someone who loves you very much. This is Anna's way of making sure that the death in her family doesn't have to spoil the holidays, that in her grieving she has options. Laura has worked out her special times in such a way that she still feels hope and joy during the holidays, and that grief during those days is never grief misplaced.

For those who have lost a loved one or a close friend, the holiday season often represents a poignant reminder of the increased pain, difficult memories, or general feeling of hopelessness. Holidays are times when we grow closer to each other, share experiences that touch hearts and souls, and create memories that nurture us throughout the rest of the year. They make up the cultural, social, and spiritual consciousness and over years, give rise to family and personal traditions. Traditions can root us in life and unite us to those we love.

Holidays bring to mind the people who played a central and formational role in our life. They are gone, and the holiday activities, customs and joy remind us of the pain that still dwells deep within our hearts. This feeling of pain and loneliness can debilitate us-or can be re-directed in a positive way. All of us have choice as to how we will spend our holidays.

Plan Ahead

By anticipating the holiday season, you can emotionally prepare for it in such a way that it won't completely overwhelm you. Such planning will certainly cause some emotional pain, but experiencing that pain will lessen the impact of the holiday itself when it arrives. Set specific limits for yourself as you prepare for the holidays. Decide what you will do, whether or not you will cook or decorate, what family traditions you wish to maintain, and which would be too painful to incorporate. Other questions may also arise such as should a visit to the cemetery be made during the holidays. These and other questions all come down to one fundamental issue: what will be best for me during this holiday season? This is not selfishness. It is self-nurturing.

Let Others Know Your Plans and Limits

Family and friends will remain uncertain of your physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being unless you let them know your needs. Claim your own boundaries and make them known. You do not have to apologize for your choices. Those who love you will understand, and with this information, they will know how you truly feel and what you are able to handle.

Emotional Release

Give yourself permission to feel good and laugh over the holidays. During the holiday season, our feelings often boil over and you should not try to contain them. Express them in ways that are healthy and avoid any feelings of guilt. You are not spoiling someone's holiday by being honest with yourself and your emotions. Positive memories of a deceased loved one can be a powerful means of healing and recovery from a loss. Tears of joy often mix with tears of sorrow.

Personal Care

Food and drink are an important part of the holiday celebration. Maintain a well balanced and nutritious diet and don't forget to take a piece of homemade pie. Drink plenty of fluids, but do not engage in excessive alcohol use-experts advise one glass of red wine with your meal, that is if you drink alcohol. You should also try to maintain some regime of exercise by taking advantage of locally sponsored programs designed for your specific need. We often experience some fatigue or feel overwhelmed around the holidays so do not be afraid to ask for help. This is self-care at its best and allows for another person to reach out and be of help. Seeking help is a sign of inner strength.

Spiritual Connections

The holidays are rooted in spirit and tradition. They provide many symbols and pathways for spiritual connection-apart from the glitter and consumerism of the season. You should seek out ways to nurture your soul through music, prayer, meditation, and religious services. Find what suits you best and stick with it.

These are some of the helpful ways that you can prepare for the upcoming holiday season. While you will continue to grieve, there are a number of ways to care for yourself, allow others to assist you physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and enjoy the season. Listen to your heart and trust your inner voice. Avoid trying to do everything other people tell you that you should do during this season, and you will find the blues will be kept at bay.